I want life to take a turn. Any turn. But a different one. A new one. Tired of the straight roads. These are never ending. Straight roads still have the blurry mirage of the past when I look back. But I know, new turns have a new start. New mirage. It’ll be easy to look back. It’ll be exciting to look forward. It’ll be different. It’ll be new.
I don’t know if it’s always accurate, but i do feel like I can read people. I can sense a lie. I know when a person is pretending. I don’t know a thing about body language but this naturally comes to me. I’m just not confident enough to act on it. The more I reflect and rewind conversations in my head, I’ve had with people, the more clear it becomes, the more details are uncovered. what they said, why they said it, it’s always that I know exactly were it comes from. I just know the reason. Their insecurities become clear to me. The fact that their trying to cover something and what their covering for becomes more clear to me. The reason behind their actions. I just freaking know. Sometimes I become so indulged into the details of the conversation and see clarity in it, that i start overthinking to an extent that i lose my mind, because there’s always so much more to it and it always comes with elements of surprise and shock. I feel really overwhelmed by people because to me the wall between my perception and their emotions is almost transparent. I think it somewhere really comes from my ability to empathize too much. Empath’s feel they aren’t understood because they know to what extent actually a person can be understood. They are pretty good at making people understood and bring comfort. Mind you, understanding and making them feel understood are slightly different according to me. And most of them do the prior and the latter is an ability few people possess. It’s not hard for me to spot an empath in the crowd.
When I was younger, and saw someone I knew or hardly knew, went through or was going through some great loss or trauma, it would hit me too. I felt that loss too. I’d constantly think about them and replace my emotions with theirs. I’d be concerned about that person more than other people did around me. It felt discomforting that people around me didn’t feel it the same way and always questioned me about why I felt it when I hardly knew him/her. People just talked about it and done. They moved on. I would too, it just took a longer time than others did. But now I know that, this is how it’s built in me.
I’ve also realised that my insecurities put up a patch on this ability, I stop using that ability when I want certain things to look and be a certain way, when my perception shows me the opposite or different. When my hopes and expectations don’t align with my perception. And that is when I act on the way I feel and not what I perceive. My feelings overtake my ability when I’m vulnerable. That’s a very complicated spot to be on. Because there’s a battle in your head. I’ve been guilty in the past, when I’ve let my feeling take over my ability. But I’m becoming more aware of it now.
It’s always been like, I’ve had this ability to feel a little too much. Most of the people see what happened and not what emotions went through while it happened, and somewhere I could see the latter. It’s hard to explain people the way I feel or when I raise my thoughts about something, they don’t particularly get it. Or may be the extent of it. Or pretend like they did. But if they did, I’d always know. It was brain crunching to me, when they didn’t. But now I’ve kinda come to terms with it. It was quite relieving to discover this about myself and know that not everyone has this. It’s so wonderful to know the way human beings are built so distinctly and unique. There are two extremes of the spectrums, being a sociopath and being an empath, most of the people somewhere lie in between those two. The extremes are rare. I neither particularly know if I should call myself an empath, because I don’t know to what extent empathy stretches. But I do because I know that I’m somewhere near the extreme. Not all empaths are the same, they are with different combination of characteristics. And it’s amazing to explore and discover more about this.
None of this might make any sense to a lot of people because perceptions, experiences and the way our minds are built are all unique, and that’s completely fine. But this is how it has been for me.
So the other day, it was around 3 pm, it was quite gloomy, cold and I could hear the spattering of rain water on the roof like some small creatures were having a drumming concert. And here I was in my room wrapped around in the blanket, still feeling full with the lunch I had just had. I was thinking about the book I have been reading lately called “Change your thinking, change your life” By Brian Tracy.
There was this particular chapter called “Decide to become rich” Which was basically about how successful people work towards achieving their goals. Let me start this by saying that I’ve always had this sense of doing something that could have a great impact on people, but I’ve failed at being consistent with working hard, and I don’t blame anyone but myself for that. I have immense respect for the people who hold up their burning desire to achieve and keep burning candles at both ends.
Now coming back to the point. He wrote about the ” The 40 plus formula ” Which explained how some self-made millionaires worked for more than 40 hours per week. Some even worked for 70 to 80 hours per week. I was already feeling quiet unproductive and reading this made me feel even more guilty, so I started giving this a deep thought, and wondered if working sooo damn hard was really worth it?? I thought.. Thought..and Thought and wondered if we should enjoy life with moderate work life or should we work really hard to enjoy our future. Who knows, we might not be here tomorrow. Life is so uncertain. If there ever comes a time where I know it’s time to leave, I don’t want to look back and know that all I’ve ever done is worked hard and paid less attention to enjoying my life, and neither do I want grow old and wish I had worked harder and had a better life.
So i put up this mini survey on quora particularly targeting people who have experienced life for a longer period. And God the responses along with the diversity of the answers I got was overwhelming.
Everything they said came down to two points. “Balance is the key” And “It depends on individual choice and nature”.
Somepeople are born ambitious, it’s in their nature and are always in a sense of urgency to achieve something, that’s their definition for “Contentment”. And then there are people who are really satisfied with having normal, simple life with moderate savings enough to survive and enjoy family and little things. Who show less affinity towards money and wealth. Both kind of people here are pretty clear about their choice and know how they want lead and live their lives and are satisfied with it. And truly that is what matters, SATISFACTION.
And some really value balance, finding that fine line is hard and truly just depends on the individuals. I don’t think there’s one particular way to describe what balance is here. The definition for balance is different for different individuals again. These are the individual to whome enjoying life and wealth are equally important.
I’ll conclude this by saying that neither of them should be neglected, minimized or postponed in the favor of other. Too much of anything is self-harming and will later result in a sense of regret. When on your death bed, looking back should be satisfying. Thats important.
Now that we are all stuck with our thoughts and contemplating every little thing that has happened or is happening, be it the outbreak or our personal lives and with the future seeming more uncertain or you could say unknown. There is no doubt that is pandemic came with a whirlwind of economic instability and panic, especially among the youths.
With so much of time and space, I keep finding myself diving deep into my thoughts which are merely triggered by diminutive things like listening to a random song and realising how relatable it is to the way I feel, and dang there I am sitting in the middle of the bed unaware of where or what I’m looking at, fidgeting with my fingers till my mom looks at me and says “there you go again, what are you so lost into?”.
This whole pandemic has really made me think about the way i was operating. It has made me think about my actions in the past. It has served me some really important wake up calls to the way I’ve been looking at things, which I realised was badly needed.
So here I am, on this platform ready to put out all that I have given such intense thought to, just sitting in my room, without interacting much with the outside world for a while now. Let see how it goes. This is something new to me. That being said I hope your doing well and are safe. I hope we all outgrow this pandemic and emerge with more knowledge about ourselves and the world.